Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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