Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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