so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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