nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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