you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
