Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
