My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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