I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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