you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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