now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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