I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
