Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
