I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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