I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
