YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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