i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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