Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
