I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
