just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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