I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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