Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
