I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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