One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
