either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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