Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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