I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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