you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
