hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
