Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I forget how to act sober
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
