Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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