Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
