Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
