How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
