We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
