He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
