Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
