I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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