I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
