Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
