I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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