Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
