you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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