New invention idea: vibrating tampons
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
