The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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