I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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