I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
