Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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