So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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