The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
