what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
