I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
