You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
