This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
