Kiss
Puke
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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