I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
