my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
