grandma shit on top of the toilet
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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