it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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