wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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